Being BiPolar

I was diagnosed about 5 years ago when I was hospitalized for my first suicide attempt. I never really understood what it was I was going through. Growing up I was a happy child got along with everyone. As I got older things changed a little but I figured it was because I wasn't as active as I was, and I was in college trying to be an adult. I only had a mild case until I turned 25 years old and I lost someone who meant the world to me. I wanted to get married but he has already gone down that road and was not anxious to do it again. I lost him in November of 2005 when he took a shot gun to his chin. There were no signs that this would happen and I somewhat blamed myself even though I know I had nothing to do with it and I couldn't have stopped it. I chose not to deal with it and I shut down completely and turned to drugs to numb the feelings. I lost my job, my friends, and almost my family; I lost faith in everything.

I have done the medication roller coaster and still knowing where it leads I continue to take myself off of them. "Mania" is my favorite, the feeling of living your life instead of not feeling! Full of energy and ideas to change the world, but I have noticed that my "mania" does not last as long as it used to and my "mania" is the wreaking ball of my life and the relationships in it. Still even knowing this I allow it to take over my life with no intentions of stopping.
I am looking for alternatives to medication, I do not handle the numbing feeling very well. I have always be an emotional person, being able to express myself through the way I feel; medication for me stops me from feeling anything...